Soon the lights will go up, the playlists will change, and everyone will be counting down to something. Meanwhile, you may already be counting the empty seats. Grief has a way of getting louder during the holidays, especially the first Diwali, Thanksgiving or Christmas without someone you love. If that is where you are this year, nothing about you is broken.
This guide is for every faith and every kind of family. The holidays are still weeks away, which gives you time to prepare. You will find why the season stings, a plan for the hard days, a lamp ritual, words for “How are you?” and signs you need more help.
Why grief hurts more during the holidays
Holidays run on repetition. The same dish, the same songs, the same person carving the turkey or lighting the first lamp. So when one person is missing, the whole ritual points straight at the gap. Also, every ad and playlist keeps telling you to be merry and bright.
Those sudden waves have a name. The National Cancer Institute calls them grief bursts: spells of intense distress that last 20 to 30 minutes, often set off by reminders like holidays. So if a carol in the pharmacy aisle makes you cry, that is not weakness. Step outside, breathe slowly and let the wave pass.
If the loss is very recent, you might feel numb instead of sad. The same guide lists numbness, shock and disbelief among common reactions right after a death, especially an unexpected one. Numb does not mean you didn’t care. Grief keeps its own calendar.
I know this season from my own life. I lost my mother in the spring of 2020, the same year COVID hit my health, so my first holidays without her arrived in the middle of a pandemic. More of her story lives on my About page.
Where the absence shows up, holiday by holiday
Every tradition has its own tender spot. Knowing yours ahead of time takes away some of the ambush.
Diwali, the festival of lights
Diwali celebrates light winning over darkness, so one dark corner of the house can feel unbearable. Maybe your father always lit the first diya (a small clay oil lamp), or your nani (maternal grandmother) led the Lakshmi puja (prayers to the goddess of abundance). The date moves each year with the Hindu lunar calendar. Closer to the festival, I’ll share more about what Diwali means and how families celebrate it.
Your family may have its own custom for the first Diwali after a death. Each family, region and tradition handles mourning a little differently, so a pandit or family elder can tell you what yours has done before. And if lighting the lamps feels like too much, let someone else light the first diya while you sit close by.
Thanksgiving and the empty chair
If your Thanksgiving table goes around naming what everyone is grateful for, that can feel cruel when all you notice is who is missing. Who sits in their chair now? Who makes the macaroni pie or the dhal puri? Talk about it before the day, not over the turkey.
Christmas and the New Year
Maybe Christmas meant your aunt’s pepperpot, black cake and a house full of cousins. Or maybe it meant stockings, church and carols. Either way, the first one without them can feel like a song with a verse missing. Then New Year’s Eve brings the countdown, which can feel like time pulling you away from them. If midnight feels too sharp, go to bed early.
How to plan ahead for grief during the holidays
A little planning gives you choices instead of surprises. A few weeks ahead, sit down with a notebook and one relative you trust. First, list every tradition you can think of. Then sort each one into three groups:
- Keep: the traditions that still bring comfort, even if they also bring tears.
- Change: the ones you love but cannot do the old way, such as moving dinner to a cousin’s house.
- Skip: the ones that would cost more than they give this year. Skipping once is not forever.
Your list doesn’t have to be permanent; it only has to carry you through this season. Next, plan for your hardest hour. For some people, it is the moment the prayer or toast begins. For others, it is the drive home in the dark.
Decide now who you will sit beside, where you can step away for a few minutes and who you will text afterward. Then tell people your plan. One person who answered a 2014 NAMI survey on the holiday blues offered advice that still holds up: be patient, keep expectations low and tell family your limits in advance.
It’s okay to create your own holiday traditions
Here is your permission slip: it’s okay to create your own holiday traditions. You can order takeout instead of cooking the big meal. You could also volunteer on Thanksgiving morning, or light Diwali lamps with friends. A new tradition does not erase the old one. Instead, it makes room for who you are now.
Families can also meet in the middle. Imagine two sisters in Hartford who lost their father in the spring. One wants the full Diwali, while the other wants to stay home. So they light the diyas together at home, then spend one hour at their aunt’s house with his favorite sweets.
An empty chair and lamp ritual for grief during the holidays
Rituals give sorrow a place to sit, so it does not follow you around the whole party. This one takes about fifteen minutes and works for any faith, or none. Do it alone or with the whole table.
- Set their place. Choose an empty chair and add their photo, a flower or their old scarf.
- Light a lamp. A diya, a candle or an LED tealight all work. In a small apartment or around kids, choose the LED.
- Say their name. Say it out loud, even if your voice shakes. Then add one line, such as “We miss you, and we are glad you were ours.”
- Share one memory each. Let everyone offer a short story or one of their sayings. Passing is always allowed.
- Offer something. Set a small plate of their favorite sweet beside the lamp. Later, share it or give a meal away in their name.
- Close gently. Leave the lamp on through the meal, or switch it off with a simple thank you.
A parent’s birthday or death anniversary calls for different rituals, and I’ll share those in a separate guide. The holiday version stays lighter on purpose, because the day belongs to the living too.
Journal questions for the season
- Which holiday moment with them do I want to keep forever?
- What tradition feels too heavy right now, and what could I try instead?
- Who else is missing them, and how could we carry this together?
What to say when people ask “How are you?”
The question comes from coworkers, cashiers, aunties and old friends, often in the same week. You do not owe anyone your whole heart, so match your answer to the person. Borrow any of these:
- For a coworker or neighbor: “Honestly, it’s a tender season. Thanks for asking.”
- For a relative who means well: “Some moments are hard. Being here with you helps.”
- For someone pushing you to cheer up: “I’m not trying to fix my sadness right now. I’m letting it be here.”
- For a child: “I feel sad because I miss Grandpa. It’s okay to feel sad and happy on the same day.”
You can also answer before anyone asks. For instance, text the family group chat: “First Thanksgiving without Mom. If I step out for a minute, I’m okay. I’d love to hear your funny stories about her.”
Lean on community through grief and the holidays
Mourning was never meant to happen alone. The National Institute on Aging notes that many grieving people find comfort in time with others who share their faith, in prayer or in reading scripture. If your family lives far away, or grieves differently than you do, look for other circles.
That might mean a grief group at your mandir, church, masjid or synagogue, or a friend who lost someone too. I also hold healing circles for grief and seasonal transitions, in person around New York and online nationwide. In my circles, we listen instead of trying to fix each other. You get to sit with people who understand. If you have never joined one, here is what a healing circle is and what to expect at your first.
If you are the friend on the outside, keep it small and specific. Drop off a plate, say their loved one’s name or text on the holiday morning.
When holiday grief needs more support
Grief during the holidays can stir up more than sadness. A NAMI blog post on holiday mental health warns against two common traps. One is cancelling therapy to make room for parties. The other is using alcohol or other substances to escape, which can make a hard season harder.
A NAMI release on the holiday blues also offers a useful marker: low moods that hang on past two weeks deserve real attention. If your sorrow stays intense or gets in the way of work, sleep or eating, please reach out to a doctor, therapist or grief counselor.
My work is spiritual care, not clinical care. A lamp, a prayer and a circle can stand beside therapy or medical care, but they cannot replace it. If you feel unsafe, call or text 988 to reach the 988 Suicide & Crisis Lifeline. The service costs nothing, stays private and is there for any kind of emotional distress.
Questions about grief during the holidays
Is it okay to skip the holidays while grief is fresh?
Yes. Skipping one year is a choice, not a failure. If you can, send a short note to the people who will miss you. Then plan something small and kind for yourself on the day.
Can I laugh at the holiday table while grieving?
Yes. Laughing at the table does not mean you have moved on or loved them less. A funny story about them may bring tears and laughter in the same breath, and both are welcome.
Does it get easier with time?
For most people, slowly, yes. The National Cancer Institute says grief symptoms usually lessen over time, even if holidays and anniversaries still bring sudden waves. If the pain stays heavy and keeps you from daily life, talk to a therapist or doctor.
Keep a light on for them
You do not have to make this season merry. You only have to move through it with kindness, starting with yourself. Grief and the holidays can share the same table. Keep what still glows. Change what hurts. Rest when you need to.
If you want someone in your corner, my one-on-one dharma coaching makes room for grief and life transitions. Prefer a group? Join a healing circle. Send me a message about the person you’re missing this year. I would be honored to hear their name.